I woke up Monday morning and wrote “I feel overwhelmed” in my morning pages a half a dozen times. I had body buzz anxiety rippling through me and the weight of a long to-do list pressing down on my shoulders. It felt hopeless, until it wasn’t. By lunch time my nervous system had normalized. A brownie helped.
I am accidentally busy right now; I didn’t see it coming. And one of my main perimenopause symptoms is inexplicable anxiety. The combination is not ideal.
A few months ago I got turned down for a grant, and the feedback I received was that the project scope was too big. The assessors didn’t believe I could get it all done. My response to the program officer was “they’re wrong, but that’s okay!” Had I received the grant, I would have followed through, would have made all the things - but I’m thankful they turned me down. I’m overwhelmed, and I am not in the middle of recording the album that would have been half of the grant project. Add that album to my to-do list and let’s not imagine what kind of maniac I’d be.
Is this a “things happen for a reason” post? I don’t know. For me it is, I guess. I worked my ass off on that grant application, I had some great project ideas, and I have an album worth of songs I want to record. I was bummed not to get funded. But I also had some collaborators lined up whose life got lifey and pulled them away from the project. And I had no idea the energy, focus, and anxiety rollercoaster my hormones were about to strap me into. Turns out I needed this particular rejection.
There’s also something for me to learn here about not needing to try so hard, not needing to do everything. I got turned down for a grant because my plan was too ambitious. I did not see that coming, and I’m gonna be honest and say I’ve never before imagined a limit to what I could do if I worked hard enough.
But the assessors saw my plan and said “that’s too much work.” My immediate reaction was to quip back that they were wrong, but were they? Just because I could have achieved all my objectives, was it a reasonable goal to try? I set that bar pretty high, I can see that now, thanks to a panel of artists who looked at my plan and said “no way, baby.”
So, what is a chronically high-functioning “A student” to do when her body and a panel of peers tell her to calm down and stop over-committing herself? The logical side of me knows the answer, but the rest of me won’t let her type it.
Thankfully, the universe occasionally intervenes, and sometimes she lets you off the hook. I am counting my blessings today that I am not beholden to a granting body to deliver a too-ambitious project of my own design. I am thankful other people had the good sense to slow me down even though I am not quite ready to do it for myself.
I am grateful for the “no,” and ready for another brownie.
xo
Shannon
Upcoming Shows
I am so excited to be part of a new, six-woman vocal ensemble called Field Notes. We’re sharing our first-ever show on Sunday, June 14 at Black Cat in Cobourg. If you’ve been there you know it’s a beautifully intimate space, so we’re performing at both 6pm and 8pm. There are currently 4 tickets left for 6pm and 9 tickets left for 8pm.
June Hymns by Field Notes
Sunday June 14
6pm and 8pm
Black Cat (King Street, Cobourg)
Buy Tickets
Also, keep your eye out for the Road to Cultivate lineup announcement, and mark your calendar for Plainville United on July 2!
Featured Podcast - Make Like a Mother
Episode three of Make Like a Mother with Caroline Marie Brooks is out now! You can find all episodes anywhere you listen to podcasts, or you can watch on YouTube, or read the transcribed interviews - and see photos of the artists’ home studios - on Substack.
